The ECHR judgement that Anthea McTiernan wrote about so eloquently yesterday has highlighted the journeys made every year by Irish women seeking abortions in the UK. Here one of those women, Molly McCarthy, tells her story.
It’s with great joy I hear of the ECHR finding that the courts were not the appropriate place to determine the course of a woman’s life. I’m sure as I type various groups are scrambling to decry the imposition of Europe in our ‘private’ Irish affairs, for abortion is something we cant talk about, for fear of judgment, judgment of those who never had to look at that option.
I made friends with a neigbour in an apartment complex when both our children were very young, at some stage she fell pregnant by her partner and decided that she couldn’t cope with another kid. She made the decision to terminate the pregnancy and to my current shame I let the friendship drift, I couldn’t reconcile the act with my supposed morals.
Less than 12 months later I was pregnant from a one night stand, she had moved away and I had to take stock and decided that two children under four on my own would not only destroy me, it would hurt my child, my family and any prospects I had of rebuilding my life to provide for my son.
I had been pregnant already in less than perfect circumstances. I had intended to give the baby up for adoption, the guilt at the prospect of not being able to provide everything for my child was so great I was willing to part with him. As time progressed I felt different, I had to come clean and tell my parents, albeit at 8 months the shock of revelation is still a sore point to this day. His father was a lovely guy that slept on the floor of the hospital for 3 days as we couldn’t afford anything else, hardly the luxurious welcome I wanted for a new baby, but we survived. I nursed him and held him and was more in love with this child than I thought possible. I still am. His dad died suddenly when he was 18 months old, I fell apart, the boy was the only source of happiness, my rock, I lived for him, for I did not feel like I was worth living for any more.
Deciding to have an abortion less than a year after my partner’s death was the only logical step, I could not mentally, financially or physically take the strain of another baby. My G.P. counseled me against it, would not support my decision or help me get information. My stubborn streak kicked in and all of my Catholic school brainwashing was abandoned. Because an abortion is a personal decision, it’s something you can only truly understand and know about if you are in that situation. I’m not a ‘hard’ person, I don’t hate life, I love it, but I needed to look after MY life there and then.
Less than a week later I dropped the boy at a friend’s house, drove to Dublin, got a flight to Liverpool and had a procedure. I was 9 weeks pregnant that morning, that night I returned home happy. Happy seems an odd word to use here, but I was, walking out of the clinic, staffed by Irish nurses, full of Irish girls in similar situations, I felt that I had started to do things for myself, that I had looked after myself instead of somebody else for the first time in a long time. I do not now nor have I ever regretted what I did that day. I would help and support any woman to do the same.
I begged and borrowed to travel quickly, my sympathies are now firmly aligned with girls who cannot afford such a luxury. I could not imagine the pain of having to continue a pregnancy any longer than necessary for anyone who is sure they can’t continue it, the additive costs of flights, transport, fees as well as accommodation for some people is not within reach. We have abortion in Ireland, we just happen to do it next door. Abortion is something you can only understand when you are faced with a pregnancy and have no other choices, I had been there and bought the t-shirt as far as ‘other options’ go. My abortion is not something I talk about, which seems to be the code amongst women who do not regret it. All one hears is the horror stories, full of regret and pain and morality warnings, I have none of those, I skipped into John Lennon Airport that evening.
Perhaps if everyone could recount their abortion tales we would have a little more balance to the pro/anti choice debates, perhaps a bit more compassion and understanding, and I’d probably have another friend.
This is incredibly brave of you to recount here. People need to hear the reality of being in this situation and stop playing around with abstracts. Thanks so much for writing this.
Absolutely.
My 20-year old sister was recently in the position of deciding whether or not to go ahead with her pregnancy. Conscious that we all had differing opinions on the subject, my other sister, parents and I advised her to seek independent, “unbiased” advice. She went to one of these counselling services as advertised by Positive Options, and came home with a handful of literature detailing the horrors of abortion and the assumed moral implications attached.
I was enraged. Threatened to write letters to the paper to expose these people. But I couldn’t. Because we don’t talk about it. It’s not acceptable for women to share their experiences of this situation, the procedure itself and the many challenges presented before, during and after. I have always been pro-choice but it never occurred to me before that there exists a gag which Ireland puts on her daughters, denying them the opportunity to share with and support each other.
Because I was aware of several stories of other women (friends, friend’s sisters etc) who had abortions for various reasons, and none of whom regret their decision, I shared those with my little sister. Because someone had to tell her it was ok that she had made up her mind to travel to have an abortion.
Thanks Ann, for sharing your story – made of tragedy and hope – it is the kind of reality we all need to hear.
Julie
Thank you very much, I wish that others had the kind and compassionate support that your sister had in this instance. I hope that the eventual debate that this will kindle will be free from such evocations but know in my heart that it wont.
I felt trepidation at being public with this, but realise from my own experience that I have no right to judge the actions of others. To have an abortion is a deeply personal and not easily reached decision.
Thank you for sharing your story, Ann. It is rare to hear these stories and I would love to hear more, to know what it is like for the women rather than read statistics.
Heartbreaking honest account of a very personal difficult time. Thank You.
“My abortion is not something I talk about, which seems to be the code amongst women who do not regret it.”
Yes, this does seem to be the case doesn’t it. My story goes like this: I got pregnant, understood I wasn’t ready to bring another human being into the world, and had an abortion.
My story is probably a non-story, though, because I went through it in Iceland, where every GP, nurse, friend, and colleague I spoke to was completely supportive of my decision.
Brilliant piece of writing by the way, thank you.
Thank you for writing that, Ann.
I am sorry to say I utterly dread the inevitable upcoming pre-electioneering toxic use of abortion as a shameless vote-goading prod.
Thank you Ann for sharing your story. I can only imagine it takes a lot of courage to be able to be able to write it and have it published. My only small complaint is that you say that your neighbour “fell” pregnant. Every time I hear that phrase it makes me think that pregnancy is being referred to as a disease and I hate to think that my wife had a disease in the 9 months leading up to our daughter’s birth.
However, that’s just one small gripe and I don’t want to take away from your post and I appreciate being able to hear your story. I think we need to see more women come forward and tell their stories to break down the “gag” that JK spoke about. I can’t help but think of the final three lines of Pink Floyd’s “The Trial”:
“Since, my friend, you have revealed your deepest fear
I sentence you to be exposed before your peers.
Tear down the wall!”
I think what I was trying to convey with the word was the idea that it was unplanned and unexpected. I don’t mean to detract from the experience of pregnancy which is a wonderful thing in many circumstances.
Superb post Ann, and thank you for your honest account.
[...] the media, including in the Irish Times, Irish Independent, Choice Ireland, Catholics for Choice, the Anti-room (and not to forget their brilliant piece from yesterday), the Irish Family Planning Association, [...]
Thank you for writing this. You are right, if you’ve had no problems and decide to get an abortion and are okay with it, you’re not really allowed to talk about it. I had one when I was in my early 20′s in Los Angeles (if I had the baby and stayed with the father, he would have killed me and the baby by now, he was so violent). I do still have thoughts now that I look at my two sons, but I know there is no way I could have had that child.
Thank you so much for writing this.
What a great piece of writing! These things need to be said because it is something that’s not talking about in this country and it’s shameful that we simply export the “problem” to the UK and think that’s okay.
It is a very personal decision to make, every situation is different and as you expressed very succinctly in your piece – you can’t know what it’s like until you experience it yourself.
Thank you for writing this.
Thank you Ann for being brave enough to share your story. I would call myself pro life – but only for me. I would not impose my beliefs on others and I am keenly aware how personal circumstances can change a persons viewpoint. My 18 month son was re entry diagnosed with a rare and serious condition. Let me tell you that I would take stem cells from any source if they would save his life.
Best wishes to you and thank you again. I hope more women share their stories in the coming months.
I’d like to add my thank-you. I’m 46, separated, with 2 children, 2 lucky miscarriages (at 19 and 36) and a couple of scares behind me. I think few women decide on abortion lightly. I think most, or all of us are thoughtful and mature enough to decide for ourselves. I believe that society owes us the respect to permit us to do that, to make what can be a tough decision when there really is no other choice. I hope this time our voices will be heard. As a student, I believed absolutely in a woman’s choice to choose. Time has tempered my views, in that I only fully realised the preciousness of life after having my own children, and yet the bottom line is still the same: it’s a personal choice, and one that Irishwoman are well capable of making. I consider myself lucky, even as a mature and generally responsible adult, not to have ever had to make that call. Last week, I thought my luck had finally run out. It hadn’t, but it made me think, and rethink. Again. I hope there will be many voices added to yours.
Thank-you so much for sharing this Ann, and I’m glad you found peace and happiness. You brought a human element to the debate, instead of all this moral bellyaching about the vile circumstances the European Court women were in — it shouldn’t be about whether a woman “deserves” an abortion, but about whether she needs one to continue.
You’re very brave, and you probably don’t even realise it! Consider yourself cyber-hugged.
Thank you for speaking out. I too had an abortion and have never regretted it for one second. I spent the night in the clinic and a wonderful irish nurse, watched over us Irish, Englis, Scotish and Welsh girls – all in the same both.
We opened our hearts that night, telling tales that had been locked in the back of our minds. We laughed, we cried but most of all we did not feel shame.
We all made a decision that none of us would do lightly but having made the decision, the support of those wonderful Marie Stokes Staff; those girls and even some of their partners that popped in to support their women, will never be forgotten by me.
I have two wonderful children, I am lucky but never regret those couple of days in Liverpool. It was my choice and the right one at the time. I feel liberated by being ‘allowed’ to state this out loud.
So, you are so right – let us all not be afraid to say it as it is and to stop the horror of those on their own who feel so guilty and lonely getting on that plane or boat. It is one of Ireland’s great shames.
^ thank you