One of the fittest women I know made a remark the other day that caused me to snort. A relative mentioned that she was afraid this incredibly strong woman was becoming ‘too thin’ and various other remarks that were even less complimentary- and unasked for- about her physique. The fit person was rather perturbed by this, seeing as how she’s been packing on plenty of muscle and has never felt better. I can attest to the fact that she looks bloody amazing. You could bounce a Euro off her arse and catch it a few feet away.
"You should get rid of those glasses and wear totally different clothes! I'm not being mean, I'm just concerned about you!" Unwanted advice, Liz Wakefield-style.
‘Do I look scrawny?’ she asked.
‘No, you don’t,’ I said through gritted teeth ( I was squatting at the time), ‘don’t mind her. Is she normally so pass remarkable?’ ( thank you Granny!)
‘Naw, but she’s pregnant and has put on a bit of weight herself.’
‘Well there you go, pregnant people think every body looks skinny. I’d take what she said with a pinch of salt.’
‘She kept going on about it though, said she was concerned about me.’
She rolled her eyes.
‘Concerned my hole.’ I said, totally in my head though because is does not do to pass comment on the relatives of others. Ever.
I don’t know about any of you, but I have noticed before that there is a certain brand of ‘concern’ that usually goes hand in hand with a touch of ‘the smugs’ and a hint of green eye.
My best friend was gravely insulted from a place of concern once. Heavily pregnant, in the highest of heels and attending a wedding, she was having a blast until she learned that a middle-aged woman of renowned bitchiness had remarked that she was ‘sick looking, even with all that ould make up plastered on her face’. When called on her rudeness, the woman claimed that her observation came not because she was a jealous harpy but because she was ‘concerned’ that my friend might be overdoing it.
When another friend finally broke up with her cheating arse of a boyfriend, all manner of insults were tossed her way under the guise of ‘concern’. It seemed no matter what she did, if she cried, if she spoke of her fears, if she didn’t, she was picked apart by the ‘terribly concerned’, the general jist being she was clearly a bit stupid and needed to be told things she already knew, regularly. Poor woman was terrified to open her mouth lest someone slot another wedge of concern in there. Yep, nothing speaks to concern- and friendship- more than rubbing another’s face in it.
When I piled on weight after short but effective battle with nearly 17 years worth of nicotine addiction, people could not wait to get in my face about my health, all under the banner of concern you understand. Diets were mentioned oh so casually, throw away remarks that could cut to the quick were bandied about willy nilly. ‘You don’t want leave it too late and get too heavy’ I was told once, leaving me to wonder what the cut off point was for ‘too‘ late.
I am currently considering giving up alcohol. I train a lot, see, alcohol and training are a poor mix. I never drink during January anyway out of habit, and I am enjoying the lack of hangovers and the clear headedness. I mentioned this to a person in passing the other day and was hit with a wave of ‘concern’ that I might somehow turn into a dry shite with all the social skills of an amoeba should I undertake this ‘radical’ course of action.
I pondered this for a spell. While it is true that socially most things take place around the pub scene, many things do not. It seems unlikely my lust for life might turn to dust simply because I have ceased to gargle, well, gargle. So where on Earth was this particular ‘concern’ coming from?
Well who knows, all I do know is that every so often someone we love will say something from a place of concern and mean it. But if you’re happy in your nappy, harming no one and getting on with life, sometimes it behooves us to remember that not all concerns are created equal and some concerns are not concerns at all and to those concerned, they can shove it where the sun don’t shine.
You’ve hit on something here! [This is why you're a novelist] – it’s a veritable Canterbury Tales out there….I instantly recognise this jaundiced-eye concern you talk of! Hard to believe now but there was a time back in 1991 when I was bordering on anorexia, There was lots of ‘concern’ from these types about how ‘lean’ I was getting, which fed my numbers game even more. Ironically they’re the same people who now tell me how fat I am. I also had ‘concern’ from family and friends about ‘not finding a soul-mate’ for a long time, this usually fell from the gobs of male-identified serial monogamists who could not survive one week without the generic approval of any man, be him a complete gobshite or a maurauding drunk with a Guinness cannula lodged into any available vein. It must get especially worse if you look well, find success or are teemingly happy, it’d piss the no-lifers off no end. You’ve just reminded (positively) why I’m a sociopath.
This is exaclty the same as people who start sentences with ‘No offence, but…’ and then go on to insult you. Starting an offensive statement with ‘no offence’ does not negate the offence!
Or those who end their sentences with ‘I’m just being honest’. Again, just an excuse to be incredibly nasty under the guise of honesty.
I encountered this a lot when I was dating, before I met my husband-to-be. Men who would buy you drinks and chat to you but then say ‘No offence, but you’re not that pretty are you? I’m just being honest, no point in this continuing if I’m not feeling it is there?’ and then looking all hurt and bewildered when I got upset or annoyed.
Honesty is important of course, but so are good manners! This distinction was lost on them, unfortunately.
Heh June, you were Goldi-fat, only never juuuuuusssssst right…
I think I value tact over misplaced ‘concern’ any bloomin’ day of the week. And usually ‘no offence but…’ and ‘ just my two cents’ are book end expression for, ‘I’m about to be/have been a pig ignorant wally’
‘Your concern is noted’ is now my stock answer to faux concern, usually accompanied by a withering look that I also managed to inherit from Granny (seriously, she could turn you to stone with her contempt if you crossed her, awesome lady)
Even since I took up lifting weights as part of my exercise plan, I get another version of it: “Aren’t you worried about bulking up?”
The ‘aren’t you worried’ line bothers me more before it gives the impression that the other person is the know-it-all, I bet you didn’t even think of that type who can’t even be bothered trying to hide their snarkiness under concern.
Oh yes, the ‘I’m just being honest’- read I’m going to be mean.
Your granny sounds awesome, Arlene. I managed to pick up my mum’s ‘teacher glare’ which helps cut off most people.
‘Teacher glare’ sounds pretty darned powerful to me.
*remembers Noreen Ryan, much feared/highly respected maths teacher*
Hah, ‘aren’t you worried?’ that’s like some kind of tricksy ‘pounce concern’
‘Why NO! I hadn’t even considered such a possibility. Thanks heaps for pointing it out!’
(And well done you for hitting the weights, I am fully behind you on this activity. Weights= good. ‘Bulking’ snort, if only it was that easy to build muscle, I wish I could show you a photo of the women I wrote about in my blog, she’s amazingly strong and has a figure like you would not believe)
There was also a maths teacher called Noreen Ryan who scared the life out of every first year, including me, in the secondary school in Gorey, they can hardly be the same person?
The weights training is actually so handy for me as I work a pretty physical job in a bike shop so the aim was partially to build up my muscles for work. It’s great being able to lift 15-20kg boxes without breaking a sweat or injuring myself.
Argh! This is she! Wonderful woman, excellent teacher, but by golly she could cut you in half with a look.
ah, concern trolling. Well-known internet phenomenon and apparently real-life too…
It’s endemic. * awaits concern for my pessimistic views, possibly a link to a survey proving concern also affects men*
Ha! I suspect both may be forthcoming…
* laughs, uploads concern shield*
Oh yes, I know this one. I’ve lost a bit of weight since my hip operation and a few people have commented on it. One person actually told me that I looked “scrawny”, “but mind yourself, ok?”. Hey, thanks!
Wow, ‘scrawny’ seems to be the classic put down word at the moment. ‘Scrawny’ – unattractively thin, bony, meager or stunted.
Wowser, but topped off with a ‘mind yourself’, so that’s okay then, the insult.
A pal of mine to whom I sent the link reminded me that she had a mother who was very skilled at ‘concern’
‘Bread? Oh, do you think you should? Would you not be better having….’ ( lists everything from dust to lettuce to air)
‘Pasta again? No of course not, but it’s hardly good for you honey.’
‘Are they your new jeans? Oh no they’re perfectly fine, it’s just….well, I’ve seen you look…no, never mind, I’m sure it’s just the brand.’
PAINFUL. As she said, ‘and she wonders why I only visit at a few times a year.’
A wonderful read to start the day. Agree wholeheartedly about the value of tact. Great quote from the film ‘Baisers volés’ in a recent LRB piece by Slavoj Žižek. “Delphine Seyrig explains to her young lover the difference between politeness and tact: ‘Imagine you inadvertently enter a bathroom where a woman is standing naked under the shower. Politeness requires that you quickly close the door and say, ‘Pardon, Madame!’, whereas tact would be to quickly close the door and say: ‘Pardon, Monsieur!’ It is only in the second case, by pretending not to have seen enough even to make out the sex of the person under the shower, that one displays true tact.” (Good Manners in the Age of WikiLeaks: http://www.lrb.co.uk/v33/n02/slavoj-zizek/good-manners-in-the-age-of-wikileaks)
Love that example, David.
I’m always telling Jordan that manners cost nothing, well I think tact is just as inexpensive.
Lovely piece Arlene. I always think it’s funny how these “concern pushers” operate from a place of complete lack of self awareness. They are mortally wounded and baffled if you tell them to mind their own business!
Awful isn’t it Betty, if they only knew how close they come to being strangled…
“I’m very concerned that your complete lack of boundaries may cause a problem for you…”